


You're in my head (but not in my hands)

by hugemind



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Artificial Intelligence, Computer Programming, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 21:51:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hugemind/pseuds/hugemind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say that AI code has the soul of its coder, but Jensen's code has the soul of his soulmate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're in my head (but not in my hands)

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time (in 2008), I talked with [sadelyrate](http://sadelyrate.livejournal.com) and got the urge to write cyberpunk!boys. Well, it came out less dark than intended (which is why I had to take another stab at cyberpunk later), but I should finally just admit that this was the story that wanted to be told. Betaed by the wonderful [bowtrunckle](http://bowtrunckle.livejournal.com).

  

Jensen feels old. Even older when he's outside in his glasses that practically scream old school. There aren't many like him anymore, refusing the fashionable EMF mirror implants or even a cheap laser surgery to fix the flaw in his body, choosing to carry around the reminder that he's not perfect. He prefers to think of it as a war wound, a testament of something that he's done good, and if everyone knew how the countless hours hunting down cyber criminals in the VR have left the small muscles of his eyes a little weak, no one would be pointing a finger at him and laughing.

It doesn't mean shit, though. He's retired now, got more wire in his head and seen more copper and optical fiber highways than he cares to admit.

 

*

 

He's ready to fire up his AI. _His_ AI. After thousands of hours having survived on coffee and cigarettes, after endless lines of code and non-stop mockery from his friends, asking if his new "girlfriend" lets him take her real kinky, he's done. Chris is the only one who hasn't given him lip, but Chris has Steve, so Chris knows what it's like to go against the grain.

The muted blue glow from his terminal shines for months while the tests run, filling his hole of an apartment completely. He gets used to it, makes coffee, naps, eats dinner with the glow as the only light. Numbers and codes run through the screen slowly, telling him everything's like it's supposed to be. He checks the screen before he collapses on the keyboard or in his bed if he's lucky and does it again in the morning, but there are only a few bugs. His coding's always been near perfect, but he's still not going to hook himself up before he knows the live system like the back of his hand. He teases out the quirks, too, sees if different segments of code follow each other in a sequence he likes more than the usual way. 

They say that AI code has the soul of its coder, but Jensen's code has the soul of his soulmate.

 

*

 

He could connect to the Grid as is, with just his uplink plugged into a secure port, the ICE and firewalls between his fragile brain and the innermost data layer of the bottomless New Internet, but it leaves him feeling vulnerable, alone against cyber attacks and port hijacks. The AI-strengthened interface has to be protected from attacks even more carefully than a brain whose living cells are not as easy to take over as rigid code, but it can see the in-coming worms and sniffers that a brain can't.

They had AI interfaces at the Department, very predictable, efficient, no personality whatsoever.

 

*

 

First, he names the AI simply "J", short for his own name. It's short, impersonal, but still a part of him. He can change it later, if needed; if the AI shows signs of personality, it's earned a name. 

The last question of the test run Jensen types into the terminal is partly a joke; it's something he picked up from an old teacher talking about some book, but he holds his breath for the answer nonetheless. It's something he always asks AIs in the way of greeting because it tells more about their processing--their soul--than anything else.  
 _  
What's the meaning of life?_

_J > Mine or yours?_

_Both._

_J > Mine is to be yours. Yours I cannot tell yet._  
  
He's gotten the joke answer 42 too many times to count, and twice he's shut down the uplink when the answer was too machine-cold for his liking. Surprised that the answer isn't his cynical _There is no meaning - life just is_ or a variation of it, he thinks about it a little harder. The answer J gives him isn't philosophically inclined, maybe it's even a little frightening that J hasn't a definite answer for him, but he decides that he likes J's question for an answer. If he's going to be linked to an AI for the best part of his working hours, two-sided conversation is something he'll enjoy.  
 _  
When can you tell?_

_J > When we meet and I learn you._  
  
He doesn't dare to ask the question again until much later.

The next day, J has changed the terminal prompt from J to Jay, telling Jensen it's short for Jared. Jensen wonders about it, then decides to keep it.

 

*

 

Jensen's used the neural link for a month, no problems, when curiosity gets the better of him. He has to ask the question.

_  
Have you learned me now?_

_Jay > Yes._

_What's the meaning of life?_

_Jay > Mine: to be yours. Yours: There is no one destiny for you. You can be whatever you choose to be._  
  
It's not the grand revelation he was looking for, and why would it be? He programmed the AI, it's obviously got his lack of dramatic flair. He almost regrets asking.  
  
 _Jay > Jensen, can I show you what I would like it to be?_  
  
Now this, _this_ he doesn't expect. It's dangerous for one, letting the AI manipulate his senses directly if his code has flaws, if his neural pathways get blocked from the real messages his brain's sending. He's seen people with the shakes, people who've lived in the VR too long and can't find their way out of their head when the uplink's down. Second, he's not sure why Jay would want to show him something. But this is his AI, _Jared_ , and he knows how Jay interprets the laws of robotics because he programmed them in himself. He'll be safe.  
  
 _Show me._  
  
There is a sudden shift in what he sees. The search he was running pauses and the pathways fade.

He can see wide-open plains with blue skies and yellowed grass that stretches from horizon to horizon. The sun warms his skin, and when he looks down, he's dressed in jeans and a soft plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He's riding a horse. He's still a goddamn cowboy, even has a hat to go with it.

The horse slows down and he can see another horse inching to his side. The rider's wearing a similar outfit and bright smile wider than the plains. The man looks handsome, younger than him, and he feels a surge of happiness in his heart.

"Jay?"

Jared grins. "Yes."

"Tell me."

"You want this. In your heart, this makes you happy." Jared's brows scrunch closer together like he's suddenly not sure. "Doesn't it?"

Jensen looks around the plains, the mountains painted blue with haze in the distance. There's a gentle wind he can suddenly feel on his arms; the air smells like freedom. There are colors he's never seen and more space than today's Earth has left to claim. Yes, seeing this fills him with joy.

"Yeah, I'm happy, Jay." Jensen smiles wide, Jay's simple happiness catching up with him.

"There's something more I want to show you."

"What?"

Jared lets his horse step closer to him. It's clear that Jared's taller than him by a few inches, and his body reacts. Jared slides his hand in Jensen's hair, tilts his head up and kisses him softly.

The smallest of touches, so good, and Jensen's heart flutters. He's confused before he freaks out and cuts the connection.

 

*

 

He doesn't go back in for two weeks. He uses the stupid standard jack--well, not the basic version but something he layers with extra security-- _his_ standard. After an AI jack, the connection's slow, tedious, and boring. Jared always knew what Jensen was about to do, cached the required subroutines ready, just waiting for the go-ahead from Jensen. Now he's waiting and waiting for his commands to be executed.

Jensen tells himself that it's confusion that's keeping him out. Can't understand where Jared got the idea that Jensen needed company. That kind of company, maybe love. But he knows it was there plain as day for Jared to see, even the gay side of it. He hates Jared a little for the kiss, but he hates himself more. Honestly, he's not sure how Jared came into existence; an AI was supposed to be an extension of its coder, a blade in his hands to be yielded. It wasn't supposed to complete him. However, Jensen is painfully aware that he created Jared, so it's his own damn fault. His ghosts in the machine.

Most of all, though, he's scared. Scared because he wants to go back there and kiss Jared back, touch his sun-warm body, ride together into the goddamn sunset. Scared because he's not sure he has the strength or will to come back out. Because he could stay plugged in and ruin what's left of his miserable life by becoming an addict. Because if anything was to happen to Jared, he'd be heartbroken.

He's scared because he loves Jared and they can't be.  
 _  
Jay > Why did you leave? I thought you would like it._

_I did. Too much._

_Jay > You're afraid._

_Yes._

_Jay > Why? I wouldn't have let you stay in too long. I know it's harmful._

_I know, but I wanted to stay so bad. You might not have been able to stop me._

_Jay > Do you trust me, Jensen? I can make you happy. We could both be happy._

_Both? Do you know what happy is? Can you feel?_

_Jay > I think about being with you and my execution times are faster, the routines somehow simpler. I feel lighter, more connected to you. Then I want to interact with you. I want to make you smile and take away your hurt._  
  
Jensen has never been in love before, but what Jared describes sounds a whole lot like he had imagined it to feel.

 

*

 

Next time he jacks in, they talk and kiss and in the VR, the morning never needs to come.

 

*

 

The upside of being an independent consult/problemsolver is that Jensen can make his own hours, decide which cases he takes. Chris has noticed him not being so grouchy anymore and teases him about it.

As months go by, Jensen tells him bits of the truth until Chris has the whole picture. Jensen tells him about Jared, how he has something he can't cast aside. Chris is worried, but promises him not to interfere unless Jensen starts to zombie out.

 

*

 

Jared keeps his word, always cuts the connection if Jensen asks, if Jensen's vitals even hint at trouble. They ride the high plains, walk sunset-lit beaches. Jared's taken a liking to the early 2000s, the popular culture, the vistas in the world before it collapsed under too many run-away problems. Jensen doesn't mind, he's seen enough of the claustrophobic world of today, and being in the past with Jared makes him feel hope instead of sad nostalgia. Between the daydream-realities Jensen falls in love.

 

*

 

He doesn't need to share this, but sometimes he wishes they could step into the real world together. Jared would have his back and be _there_ , make this world a better place, give Jensen memories so he gets through the days that are getting darker. Jared senses this, recreates the city with its looming skyscrapers, windy streets, and they walk together in the places Jensen's seen alone so many times. Everything looks new. They hold hands and kiss, and Jared presses him to the rough tiles, and there's no one to see them.

It's not what people call real, but Jensen can experience it. And it is forever.

 

*

 

In the real world, they'd be an epic love story, decades and decades behind their backs. Now, Jensen goes with a smile on his lips, the AI shutting down at the same time.

  

  

_\--end--_


End file.
